well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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