my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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