Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
