Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just gift wrapped bread.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
the liver wants what the liver wants
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
