I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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