Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
