Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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