I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
