Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
