this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
