When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
