It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
