Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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