in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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