I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
