Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
