how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
