Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
