FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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