Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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