I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
