Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
