sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
