Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
