I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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