just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
