last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize