Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
