what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
