So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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