I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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