My underwear smells like fireworks.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize