Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
