We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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