Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
