I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
