i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
