So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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