My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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