Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
