You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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