I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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