i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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