You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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