I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
