My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
