Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
