Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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