She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Semen is not good for contacts.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
