call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
