I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
