We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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