his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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