Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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