Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Randomize
