John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
