A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
