I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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