I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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