I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
