i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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